Self-blame has been the Musak (do they still have that?) of my life. It played in the background so long that I didn’t even hear it, but it was still mildly annoying.
It wasn’t this exact one, but it was similar–from this shop
The sad story of the broken wind-chime
A few days ago, as I sat in my living room working on something or other on the computer, I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye and then—crash!–the sound of glass breaking. At first, I couldn’t figure out what the sound came from. After all, I definitely hadn’t knocked anything over while sitting and typing. I looked all around.
I finally saw it. The glass wind-chimes I’d bought on ETSY– made from an old teacup and saucer –had fallen off the ceiling hook and smashed all over the floor and windowsill.
I stared at the floor, trying to see how far the glass had splattered.
The also sad story of the broken record playing in my mind
Then I noticed the conversation playing in the back of my mind. It said–you deserve this. It’s all your fault that the wind-chimes fell down and broke. The self-blame conversation–the background music of my life. It sounded very familiar even though I don’t usually hear it.
Now, I might have actually been to blame for the wind-chimes’ demise. I did use a Command strip hook to hang it from the ceiling. It had hung there for 6 months or so already, though, tinkling cheerily when the window was open.
But that’s not the self-blame song that I heard. This one went more like–You are not a good person. You did something bad and you are being punished for that by having your things break for no apparent reason. When I stopped to listen to this conversation, it sounded ridiculous. It is ridiculous. It makes no sense at all.
What could I possibly have done to make me deserve to have my wind-chimes fall and break? It doesn’t seem like much of a punishment for any real wrong-doing, does it?
But then I appreciated that I had noticed this self-blame convo, because, as I mentioned, it plays almost continually in my mind. I started thinking about all the times I felt like I was being punished because I deserved punishment. These included times when I got sick, or when things broke, or even when food spoiled. I remembered for some strange reason when, years after it happened, one of my daughters told me about how her classmates had been mean to one particular child in their class. I remembered that voice telling me I should have done something about it when it happened–and I guess, by implication, that I should have known it was happening at the time.
In every broken wind-chime hides an opportunity for growth
The impulse to want to help someone who is suffering can be a good impulse. The impulse to feel guilty, to blame myself for random things that I often had no knowledge of or control over seems silly. And beyond that, it seems harmful. It takes me away from what I can do to make a difference in the world. I can’t do these things because I’m too busy blaming myself.
That voice hasn’t completely disappeared, but it seems to talk to me less. And when it does talk, I notice it more often. I started asking myself questions–like what does a broken wind-chime have to do with anything I have or haven’t done in my life (except for buying it and hanging it up).
And when I start asking questions, I notice how silly the whole conversation sounds. No, it hasn’t disappeared, but it’s lost some of it’s power.
Do you have a soundtrack that plays in the background of your life? Is it an empowering one? Do you hear/notice it?
It was a strange and wonderful moment when I really heard all of the self-blame playing on a repeating loop in my mind. It gave me the opportunity to change that self-blame conversation.
I’d love to hear what you think about all of this.
To read more about inner monsters and how to organize and store them, check out the monster closet (if you dare!)
Thanks for stopping by.
xoxo
