A sad manicure story

Today is International Woman’s Day, but…

Here’s a tale of woe about a manicure! As you may or may not know, I’m moving to Colorado in about 10 days. I had a gift certificate to a lovely holistic spa that I wanted to use before I moved. I never really got a lot of manicures, but I haven’t at all in the last few years because the chemicals really bother mean. But this was healthy nail polish, so I thought it would be ok. The experience was lovely–a hand massage with hot stones, an herbal scrub, soft music, essential oils scenting the air. All was well, until…

Which brings me to Poetry Friday

Last week I didn’t write anything for Poetry Friday–I actually forgot about it. And I thought I’d write a poem to explain why.

This week’s host is Reading to the Core — Optional theme: International Women’s Day. I’m not writing on International Women’s day, although I’m looking forward to seeing what other poets have to say about it. Today I’m writing about my personal journey (as a woman!) and my struggles with autoimmune illness.

Manicure Blues

My still small voice softly said
“No, don’t do it.” But I went ahead.
A manicure, a self-care treat
Completely knocked me off my feet.
Sore throat, fever, chesty cough–
I just couldn’t shake them off.
For several nights, I barely slept;
I felt fuzzy, crummy, inept.
Until days later, in my foggy brain,
it dawned that polish caused this pain.
I scrubbed it off and what can I say?
I started feeling better right away.
(Though truth be told, it wasn’t over–
it took a few days to fully recover.)
So here ends my autoimmune tale
of pain, fog of brain and polish of nail.

Susan Bruck 3/2019

Living with autoimmune diseases

I have celiac disease and histamine intolerance–both autoimmune diseases. I don’t often like to talk about them or write about them. I don’t want people to think of me as a sick person. Of course, anyone who eats with me knows at least something about my issues because I am limited in what I can eat.

It’s been over 10 years since I found out I had celiac. I have a form of it called dermatitis herpetiformis(warning–this link contains gross pictures!). It took a long time to figure it out because I didn’t have the classic symptoms. I had this itchy rash/hives. Often, I’d wake up in the morning with scratch marks on my chest from scratching in my sleep. As soon as I cut out gluten, the horrible rashes went away–as did my asthma and various other symptoms. But I still didn’t feel great.

My doctor had told me that people often get more than one autoimmune disease. But it took a few more years to figure out that I also had histamine intolerance/mast cell disorder.

It turns out that a lot of the healthy foods I was eating regularly were big triggers for me–kombucha (I made my own!), tempeh and tofu, vinegar, tomatoes–the list is very long, but those were big ones for me. Also, yoga turned into a trigger for me-rigorous exercise can cause a histamine reaction, I learned. A trip to the spa with my roommate sent me to bed for several days before I knew what I had–extreme temperatures can also do it. So along with bread and cheese–and now wine, too–a bunch of other stuff left my life.

 I don’t really like to talk about it

For various reasons, I don’t like to talk about my autoimmune stuff. Not wanting to be thought of as a sick person is part of it–also not wanting to be thought of as (or be) a whiner. And I want to be seen as strong, competent, capable–uh-oh is my perfectionism rearing its ugly head? Do I want you, dear reader, to think I’m perfect and have it all together? That hits suspiciously close to home.

But it’s part of my life every day. My day to day and moment to moment decisions include considering the likely effect on my health and well-being. Sometimes I take risks–like going out to eat with friends. It sounds goofy, but for me, eating out carries the risk of not feeling well for a few days after. It’s usually not a dramatic illness (like the manicure was) because I’m pretty good at avoiding most of my big triggers, but more of a subtle, blah, achy feeling with varying degrees of digestive upset.

The above-mentioned manicure set off the biggest autoimmune response I’ve had in a long time. If only I’d listened to that little voice in my head that knew the polish wasn’t good for me as soon as it touched my nail. But I didn’t–didn’t want to make waves, wanted to just enjoy what was supposed to be a relaxing, pampering time, wanted to not think about my sensitivities.

But I am because–

I recently wrote about being an empath , another of my (formerly) closely held secrets. Writing about my autoimmune challenges and empathy are both for my own healing and in hopes that others who deal with similar things will find the courage and companionship they need to go through life being different.

I’ve always wanted to fit in–but I’ve tried to do it by hiding my true self, my gifts and my challenges (which turn out to be oddly interconnected). And I can’t promise that I won’t do that anymore. But I am working on it. And I invite you to join me in being your own true self–whoever that is.

In conclusion–

For all of us, I wish us the courage to be ourselves and friends who love us for who we are.

I hope you have a good week.

Thanks for stopping by.

xoxo